So on my search for the truth, I think I’ve realized something. I don’t know that I care all that much. Not enough to continue seeing through the lens I’ve dedicated myself to looking through. I do care, I care about the secrets of the universe and the overlooked truths. I will always be curious about them, and be open to knowing them. I fear that in the end though, spending my life finding them won’t be worth it. I felt a shift within myself that doesn’t represent who I am very well. I don’t want to end up like that one J Cole lyric. Love Yourz- “The good news is n**** you came a long way, bad news is n**** you went the wrong way.” Maybe things will be revealed to me throughout my life, maybe not, and maybe these things were never meant to be found by me. What I know is this: To have limited my own human experience is to have missed the point completely.
I think I become hyper focused on the things that mean something at the time. In retrospect, most things are truly not as deep as you think they are. Rewiring your mind to question and challenge what’s been fed to you for so long can be hard. Sometimes I forget all the different ways I can go about life. For as long as I could remember, there have been many things I was told that I wanted and needed, but then, I woke up.
Unfortunately when I woke up I found myself in a cage. Now, if I built that cage, someone else built that cage, or both, I may never know. I got too lost in the sauce, it became a tunnel vision trance.
There’s so much pressure to become successful (in earthly terms), and caring about what the world thinks. Now, becoming successful in earthly terms isn’t necessarily a bad thing, not at all. I just mean that I want to be more than that. I want it to be a part of who I am, not who I am as a whole. I want to experience. I want to feel. What I really want is to be free. How I get there or what freedom looks like to me may not be agreeable to everyone, and that's okay. What I need to do is sit the fuck down, slow my mind, find stillness, and focus. Somewhere in that realm there’s bound to be answers.
Feeling: Dazed
Wanting to feel: Like the wind and velvet mixed into one
Goal for the day: Don’t think, just experience
P.S. movies I’ve watched since the last blog… Fear and loathing in Las Vegas (wtf was that movie), Kill Bill, and 22 Jump Street
I’m almost done with Kill Bill: Vol 2, and surprisingly I actually like it better than the first one (hate if you will #ISaidWhatISaid)